HOW TO GET OUT OF SPEEDING TICKETS — A TUTORIAL
“It’s pouring down rain. I see a police officer. I decide to make him get out of his warm, dry car. Officer walks up to me and says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I say, “Yeah, because I ran that stop sign. Know why I ran the stop sign?”
— Drew Carey
Many people ask me, “Mary, what is the secret to your spectacular success in getting out of speeding tickets?” (I’ve gotten out of at least 20 in my life).
“Do you flirt or give them sexual favors?” (NO! Maybe when I was young and thin my cuteness got me out of a few, but honey, I gotta rely on other methods now!)
“Why don’t you just slow down and not get pulled over in the first place?” (Um, NOT AN OPTION!)
In 6 out of the past 7 times I was “let off” when pulled over for speeding (fastest clocked time was 89 mph), all I did was act nice and respectful to the officer. The other time was a motorcycle cop, and they write ANYBODY, but the dude recognized my last name and was a frat brother of my brothers, so that was a lucky fluke. (He was actually pissed that he “couldn’t” give me a ticket! Jerk!)
Here’s what I do when I’m pulled over.
1) The minute I see the lights behind me, I put on my turn signal to let them know that I see them and I’m looking for a good place to pull over.
2) If you have tinted windows, you can make the mad dash for the seatbelt. If not, don’t even try it. Cops hate it if they know you’re trying to put one over on em.
3) Pull WAAAYYYYY off the road, preferably on a side street. Always worry about the safety of the officer. He/She is the one that has to stand between your car and 70 mph traffic.
4) If it’s nighttime, IMMEDIATELY turn on all dome lights in the car. Cops have to worry about their safety, and this helps them survey the scene in your car for weapons, open containers, or things that shouldn’t be there. Plus, it plants a subliminal message in their mind, that if you’re familiar with what THEY have to be concerned about, maybe you have a cop in your own family, and you’re on law enforcement’s side.
5) Always turn off the radio.
6) As the cop is walking up to the car, roll your window down completely and put your hands high up on the steering wheel where they can see them.
7) I am so practiced I usually have my license and proof of insurance waiting for the officer. But if you have to fumble around a lot to find it, wait for the officer to ask for it. Strangers fumbling for things in their car makes the officer NERVOUS.
This is key: SMILE!!!!! Be personable and friendly. You wouldn’t believe how rudely some cops are talked to. Don’t expect them to be friendly back, but keep smiling and talking to them like they’re your best friend.
9) Act genuinely surprised when they say how fast you were going. Don’t make excuses. Apologize, and act like it’s a huge revelation. “Oh no! That fast? Oh my God! No wonder why you pulled me over! I thought you were trying to get someone else, so I pulled over to get out of the way. I had no idea! I’m so sorry, Lieutenant!” (Always try to slip in a higher rank than you know they are. This makes them feel good.)
10) This is key: NEVER ASK TO BE LET OUT OF THE TICKET. The minute you do that, you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. And I have no idea why, I’ve just found this to be true. Just act as if you know you’re going to get a ticket, but you still like and respect the officer. Shows you’re a good sport. (I just don’t understand the people who speed, then get mad at the officer when they get a ticket. It’s the risk you take when you speed. It’s not the officer’s fault, why get mad at them?)
11) When the cop is standing there waiting for you to find your info, ask them if you’ve pulled over enough to be safe for the officer. “Lieutenant, am I over enough so you’re safe?” Glance behind your shoulder as if you’re concerned about the traffic the officer is exposed to. This isn’t hard to fake for me, because I truly am concerned for them.
12) If it’s night, keep the inside of your car lit up for the entire time. If it’s day, ALWAYS keep your hands where the officer can see them.
13) When the officer tells you he’s not going to give you a ticket, or gives you a warning, thank them profusely and promise to watch your speed. Include a nice parting remark to establish comaraderie, in case you get pulled over by the same officer again. I tell them that I’ll be remembering them in my prayers, which is true. But you can say, “Take care of yourself now” or “be careful out there”. Whatever.
14) After you drive off, don’t speed again until you’re out of that county.
Of course the best medicine is prevention. I’m not telling you NOT to speed. I’m saying, there are ways to decrease your chances of being pulled over.
A. Red cars get pulled over more. Believe me. It is true.
B. The cars I’ve had with tinted windows get pulled over more. But I’m more likely to get out of the ticket, and I think it’s because the officer was hoping to find a scummy drug dealer behind the tints, not a rotund and cheerful middle ager.
C. Never be an “outlyer”. Best position on a highway is a speeder in front of you and a speeder behind you.
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