I called my mom right upon leaving work, knowing that listening to her talk would be a good way to kill some commute time.

Forty-five minutes later, she’s still going strong. Having not said even one sentence the entire time, I interject: “Well, I’ve just pulled into the driveway…” She continues to talk as if I hadn’t just given my graceful call exit segue.

So, I unpack my car. She’s still talking. So I let Moose out for a walk. He pees twice, mom is still talking. Then Moose takes a huge dump. I’m holding the cell phone in one hand and trying to pick up the poop using a plastic bag with the other hand. At last - an excuse to get off the phone!

Me: Mom, I have to go now.

Mom: So then I sold her the Mary Kay Raisinberry lipstick, which looks good on everyone! And she said…

Me: Mom, I gotta let you go.

Mom: She is going to come back next weekend and buy some moisturizer. Which would bring my open house sales to around $400…

Me: (Thinking: If I cuss, it will startle her into listening to me.) Mom, I’ve got to go! I’ve got a steaming pile of shit in my hand.

Mom: *pause* Oh. Well, your father and I are going to have chicken for dinner.

Me: What?? No! I’m not talking about dinner! Obviously, I’m not going to have shit for dinner!

Mom: Why aren’t you going to have any dinner?

Me: What? I am! I’m just not going to have shit for dinner.

Mom: You said that. Why aren’t you going to have any dinner?

Me: (catching on) - I’m going to have dinner eventually. But right now, I have a steaming pile of Moose’s shit in a bag in my hand, and I have to get off the phone. I told you this, and for some unknown reason you started talking about what you were having for dinner.

Mom: I thought you were talking about what you were having for dinner. That’s why I was talking about what your father and I are having for dinner.

Me: Well of course I am not having shit for dinner!

Mom: This again. Why aren’t you going to eat?

Eventually I got off the phone, but to this day I don’t know how.

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