I can’t do this because I’m not a dude. But if you’re reading this and you have a penis (or at least had one before “the accident”,) maybe you can do it?
First, you have to lead your entire life in goodness and purity. You also have to be sure you’re Catholic. It would probably also help if you obtained citizenship in a European country.
At the age of 14, be sure to start reporting miracles happening to you, like God sending you a message through your Alpha Bits cereal or something. But just report it to the church, not to anyone else or to the news media. You’ll need this evidence later.
Then, at the age of 17 enter the seminary and get your doctorate in Theology. Try not to let your cornhole be violated while you’re there. All the while, be perfect and display no vices.
Spend the next 40 years working your way up through the power layers of the church until you’re a cardinal in Rome. Then, all you have to do is be humble and pious and wait for the current Pope to kick off. Be patient; the Pope is God’s favorite person on earth, so God often lets him live unnaturally long, suffering horribly in the process.
Once the Pope dies, you will be a natural choice for his predecessor. Accept the honor humbly. Then, the second there is white smoke coming from the chimney…
Jump up and yell, “PUNKED, BITCHES! YOU’RE SOOOO PUNKED!” Name yourself “Pope Cuddlebumps the Fifth”. Take off your little cardinal dress to reveal a Hawaiian shirt and bermuda shorts. Open a can of beer, jump on the table, and gyrate your hips wildly while singing “Louie, Louie”.
Now obviously at this point all the cardinals in the room are planning your assassination. So you have very little time. Be sure you make all kinds of laws and doctrine ex cathedra so that they cannot be reversed later. Make it so that all Catholics have to eat crab stuffed mushrooms at Joe’s Crab Shack every Friday during Lent, and that all Catholic girls must be put on birth control so that they’re not tempted to have sex to make a baby. Let priests get married to either men or women. Really shape that dusty old institution up!
After you are assassinated, we will remember your work fondly and often chuckle when reflecting on your zany hijinks.
Yeah, that would be cool. You should totally do that.
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Rats. If you’d only gone back in time to tell me about this plot 40 or so years ago I’d be SO willing to do that.
“Let priests get married to either men or women.”
No, no, no. Demand that all priests enter into polyandrous marriages with a dominant woman maintining a harem of bi-curious male priests.
Just a thought.
Hey Cyrus, whatever you could pull off before the assassination would be cool!