As many of you know, I got my parents a puppy for Christmas. At first it didn’t look like a good idea; my mother hates animals, my dad was determined that he was through with dogs because they are “too much trouble”. However, from the minute they met Sparky, it has been true love!
My dad actually took off work one afternoon to accompany my mother and Sparky to the vet for his Well Puppy visit. My mom is home with Sparky all day, and the woman who hasn’t photographed me once in the past 12 years is now taking hundreds of pictures of the dog. The woman who would go two weeks without talking to me now calls several times a week with Sparky updates.
True to my mom’s fashion, she never listens to a word I say. I wonder what would happen if I REALLY tested her during our last conversation? (Quotes from my mom’s side of the conversation actually happened; quotes from my side MAY have involved some creative license.)
Mom: Sparky is so smart, he can close the door of his crate behind him!
Me: Aww, that’s cute! Hey, did I tell you about the job interview I went on Friday? It was horrible to drive into downtown Denver, I…
Mom: You know, the other day Sparky sat and just stared out of the front door for almost an HOUR! He is SO SMART!
Me: Awww, that’s cute! Anyway, at the interview…
Mom: Now he’s digging under my leg! What are you digging for puppy? Who’s so cute? You’re so cute! Yes you are! Yes you are!
Me: So I don’t think that job is for me. I’m so discouraged! Will I ever be happy? I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. That’s it. I’m almost 40 and I fail at life. I… I have nothing to live for!
Mom: Sparky loves to get under the covers with us in the mornings! All you can see is a big bump bouncing around under the covers!
Me: Why do I even try? I think I’m going to end it all. Right now.
* sound of chair scraping across the floor, and fumbling around in drawers for rope *
Mom: Sometimes Sparky bites your father’s toes and we know he shouldn’t do it but he’s so funny, we just laugh and laugh!
Me: This is it! Tell Visa and Discovercard I said, “Try to collect from me now, motherfuckers!” I regret nothing!
* sound of chair falling over and phone hitting the floor *
Mom: And Sparky only had one accident in the house yesterday! But you can’t blame him, it was raining outside! You can’t expect a dog to pee outside if it’s wet out… well, I gotta go get Sparky his pre-dinner treat. Bye!
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(It’s actually really cute how much my parents love that dog.)
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” So I don’t think that job is for me. I’m so discouraged! Will I ever be happy? I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. That’s it. I’m almost 40 and I fail at life. I… I have nothing to live for!”
Well, I’ve decided to become an online pornographer. I’ll only have to work 3-4 days a week and earn up to $250,000 a month. After four or five years, I’ll retire to Palm Springs. I’m almost 50. I don’t want to waste the next 15 years making someone else rich and have nothing to show for it when I’m 65.
I’m just being practical. Porn is a recession-proof business and the return on investment can’t be beat.
Why don’t you hump Mom’s leg and take a shit on her floor?? That might get you some attention.
Fritz: I’m totally in on the porn thing. Call me.
Dyck: If that didn’t work when I was a child, why should I try it now?