Since my last post (thanks for all the comments you guys!) I have been emailed by a friend and was reminded that my behavior towards people I care about can sometimes cause hurt and make them feel like they’ve been “blown off” in the same way I felt.
Now, no one can ever accuse me in my adult life of canceling plans with one friend from out of town in favor of going to a rock concert with other friends.
But there have been times where I’ve withdrawn and canceled plans with friends.
I did it three weekends in a row with some friends here in Denver, just because I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. Which has been increasingly hard for me to do since I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost last summer and fall.
In fact, since about 2000 when I’ve really been battling with weight, I’ve not wanted to see people who knew me before I gained weight. I hate that look in their eyes, hate having to see them struggle to choke out the required phrase, “You look great!” and I hate being reminded that I’m a failure.
Because let’s face it, no matter what a woman achieves in life, if she’ s not in a relationship, and she’s not thin and attractive, she is 100 percent a failure and, according to society, really shouldn’t leave the house anyway. (Society resents non-perfect women having the nerve to show their face in public.)
It really upset me to realize I might have made certain people feel the same way that my friend recently made me feel. In my point of view, the two situations are very different. But that’s just my point of view.
I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to gain any sense of self-confidence or self-worth, which is absolutely essential to possess before one undertakes a difficult self-improvement goal such as weight loss. I am very prone to the unhealthy habit of looking toward some extrinsic force for my validation and motivation. Last spring my growing friendship with D helped inspire me to join Jenny Craig, and dating him at first helped push me along to losing over 40 pounds. But when it became clear that I was of little value to him, the blow to my pride caused me to slip. The ugly and permanent severing of our relationship just before Christmas had me completely revert to my old ways of turning toward food and alcohol for comfort.
So I have a very vicious cycle going on here. Wanting the friends that I so effectively push away… needing someone else to have confidence in me before I can find enough confidence in myself to be the person I want to be, yet knowing full well that no one will be attracted to me the way I look right now, and the attitude I have towards myself… my overpowering instinct to withdraw during times like these - an instinct that is very easy to let carry me, since I moved to Denver.
In times like these, sometimes the best thing is a change of jobs, which distracts me as I learn the job, is exciting, and allows me to reset health habits. But the prospects are almost nonexistent so I can’t wait around for that…
I don’t have any answers right now.
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We’ve never met, so I have nothing to compare your current weight to. And I’ve also gained lots of weight in the past 18 months, so you’re definitely not alone. I’m always nearby to join you at the dog park, or if you ever want, at the nearby gym where I’m trying (not very hard the last two weeks) to go five days a week.
I have really learned the importance of “it is not about the looks” as I have battled my hives which caused me to gain 30lbs in 9 months. I have had to learn that I am still pretty even though I don’t always feel pretty or skinny or whatever. My 40th birthday will not be a bad thing - I am happy to have lived this long considering the short life span of both my parents. I have struggled daily/weekly to try to lose the weight but it is very very slow. But I am getting in better shape (pudgy is a shape!) and I am feeling physically better.
I know you inside and out and you are beautiful and you won’t convince me othewise. It is amazing how society makes women so body consciece and it is not right. Hang in there!!!
yet knowing full well that no one will be attracted to me the way I look right now, and the attitude I have towards myself
Ok, take that sentence up there, and switch the parts before and after the comma around so it says “The attitude I have towards myself is no on will be attracted to me.”
Now go think about that for a while.
Sweetie, if you don’t like yourself it doesn’t matter what you weigh or how you look. It will never be good enough.
I used to be a size 10, now I’m a size 16. Then again, I used to be 20 and I’m not that anymore either.
Do I wish I was a size 10? Sure, but not enough to actually bother putting myself through losing the weight. How I feel about myself is way more important than how I look, and I feel pretty damn good about myself. I’m awesome, and that’s not something I see in a mirror, that’s something I know in my soul. Besides, if I can’t eat a damn tootsie roll when I want to, you might as well just kill me now. 
I don’t know how much you weigh and I don’t care. You seem like a great person to me. Rejection happens, and it sucks.