No one has a perfect life. Everyone has crazy stress, unhappiness, barriers to overcome. I am not special.
So why do I seem to be the only one unable to deal?
I would think that having a spouse and kids would be more stress - not everyone’s home life is a happy one. Yet I find myself making excuses… “Yeah, nothing at work gets to him. But he goes home to a family that adores him at the end of the day.” Does that really help people cope all that much? Or is that an excuse that I use because I am not handling things as gracefully as other people?
Every day is a new reminder that I’m not doing this life right and I don’t know how to right things. I can’t find a cure for myself. I can’t find a way to change this personality that seems more prone to take a toll on the world than make a contribution to it.
Am I expecting too much from life when I expect a reason to endure it? “I don’t have anything to live for!” is quite the melodramatic statement, but I wonder… do most people have (or find) something to live for? Or do they find a way to live without purpose, success, or any sort of reason? Is that why people are so driven to have kids - so that there’s a reason for it all and it’s not all so stupid and futile? (Even if that is a reason, still don’t want ‘em, thank you.)
I could make it through just focusing on little joys - the next season of The Office, my dog, my pictures, lame internet jokes. But when I go to a job where I’m constantly reminded that I’m not good enough… that I cause more turmoil than solutions… that every reaction or feeling I have is wrong… it’s exhausting and makes me feel a bit beat up every day. I suppose everyone’s job is like this, but when the job is all you have, it makes one a bit myopic. But does a lack of objectivity - which we all have - make all my feelings invalid, an overreaction? I sincerely doubt it, but now even my feelings seem to be something else for me to apologize for and dismiss as unreasonable without examination, because they are mine and therefore automatically wrong. If I’m to believe those around me, such action is the only right course.
I guess everyone needs one source of joy that can inspire them to set aside everything else, all the bullshit, and have a reason to get out of bed every day. I’ve lived so long without a reason for joy that I don’t think it’s ever going to happen, and I know I’m not the only one in that boat by a long shot. So how come others can plod on, and I seem to have such turmoil about it?
OK, this post made no sense. And I haven’t even been drinking! I suppose these very words can be used as further supporting evidence to my “wrongness” but goddamnit, I’m sick of everyone else’s feelings and frustrations being valid except mine.
At the end of the day I just want a reason for going through it all and I don’t have one, and I wonder if I ever had one. I know I’m not alone on this but I don’t see anyone else struggle so publicly and awkwardly as I do, so what’s wrong with me? I must be weak, too impulsive, self-indulgent.
Would the universe giving me a straw to grasp be just one more joke - a dangling carrot, not really something that could ever be held in the end?
I’ll keep on keepin’ on, but the wrongness of my fit in life clings to me like a bad perfume. I wasn’t meant to be here. Someone messed up. I didn’t get the life I was meant for - a life where my overall footprint on the world would be at least a fraction positive. If I had been born one day later I would have been raised by a totally different family. If I had been born one year earlier in my biological mother’s life I would have been given to a couple of a completely different religion. If my parents had asked for a boy on the adoption application - what they really wanted in the first place - I would have gone to a different family. Was I just one impulse decision away from ending up where I was really meant to? Is that why nothing ever seems to fit?
All I know for sure is that I regret who I am, and that is one fucked up thing to live with.
And the world shares this regret, which I think is even worse.
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