Thanks for all the positive comments guys! I just want to make it clear that I’m not posting all of this to feel sorry for myself or have others feel sorry for me. Really, I know very few people who had a perfect childhood, so I’m no different than anyone else in that respect.

I just wanted to let you know what adoption can be like for some kids.

I posted this on a popular internet message board, and I couldn’t believe how I got reply after reply where people said, “I’m adopted and was treated that way too.” It’s horrifying.

I think it’s so important to talk about because people who are thinking of adopting need to really search their souls about why they want to adopt, what would happen if they got a girl and not the boy that seems to be such the deep-down preference for so many parents (whether they admit it to themselves or not), and what they would do if the kid didn’t grow up to be perfect.

You’re not leasing a car. You’re taking responsibility for a child. And unless you can embrace this child as 100% yours, even if you have your own children in the future, then PLEASE DON’T ADOPT!

I thank everyone for sharing their personal stories in the comments. My drunkbunny.org blog was wiped off the face of the earth, but I posted these on blogs before so I thought I’d share some comments/stories other people left at my older blogs as well. (After the jump.)

One of my cousin’s was adopted, but had kind of the opposite family situation from you. It was her dad’s second marriage (out of 5 eventually!), and he already had two kids from his first marriage. His new wife and he treated his first two kids terribly, spending all their money on their new daughter, and virtually ignoring the first two. My grandparents used to send holiday food and toys to all three girls and instead of giving it to the two older girls, they would either give the youngest all the gifts, or more often than not, send the presents for the oldest two to the neighbors and give them nothing! So sad the way parents treat their kids However, it sounds like you, just like my two older cousins, turned out quite well despite everything else! Jenniy

I wasn’t going to chime in; was going to just read and nod in agreement but I guess I’ll say it:

I’m adopted and I was treated that way too.

I could write a book on just the comments alone that people and the adopted family make that cut you right to the center of your heart and soul and make you realize, you will never be accepted as one of their own. Serenity

I have several friends; some who are adopted, some who have adopted and they’ve all said much the same thing. My friend Kevin told me that it would have been easier for him to be an adopted dog, because they aren’t expected to be eternally grateful, fawning and perfect in return for being picked. Mike

My mother is my biological mother and my dad came into my life (married my mom) when I was five. I do feel that I owe him extra because, although he had a choice whether to marry my mom, he didn’t need to be my dad.

He was my dad in every sense of the word, and has been since day one. To both me and my brother. He was only 23 at the time, so I can well imagine what a huge adjustment it was for him. I did feel terribly guilty in searching for my biological father because I felt that it was a very ungrateful thing to do. But my dad was supportive of it because he knew (knows!) how much I adore him.

Together they adopted my sister. She’s not biologically related to any of us. My mother was horribly abusive, but she was especially abusive to my sister. It made me wish many times that my mother wouldn’t have adopted her- for my sister’s sake. But my sister is my best friend in the world, so for my sake I’m glad they adopted her. Risiblegirl

The biggest issue that influences the relationship between adoptees and their adoptive parents is this need to appear grateful. I think it hinders the formation of a complete parent-child bond, subtly in happy adoptive homes, and severely in dysfunctional ones. Unconditional love can’t happen when gratefulness is required.

Throughout my childhood, my adoptive parents (particularly my a-father) were always going on about how ungrateful my adoptive brother and I were. And we didn’t even know we were adopted! We didn’t find out until we were in our early 20’s.

My adoptive parents were both alcoholics and I was beaten by my a-father, sexually abused by my a-mother as well as the daily verbal and emotional abuse. So was my adoptive bother. I’ve met my bio parents and they are really nice intelligent people with happy children (my half siblings). So I am a bit confused about what I am supposed to be so grateful for.

Seeking out my birth parents was of course just further evidence of how evil, sick, and ungrateful I was. But then again so was everything I did, so what the hey! Guy

I am reminded that most people have a fucked up childhood. Some more than others.
It’s important to speak it out loud, to exorcise it.
I was a pretty pathetic kid…when I say that, I mean that my mother was working all of the time and I was basically raising myself (no subsidized daycare for single moms back then) so now, as an adult…I know that some of the things I did, and habits I had were inappropriate.
I hated myself and could totally understand why others would hate me too.
It took me years to believe that I was lovable, and sometimes it really takes effort to keep believing it. Radmila

Reading that seriously makes me want to punch your mom in the eye. Hard. Radmilla said something above which I second — I, too, was reminded that there are so many people out there who had bad childhoods, some worse than others, and that it’s important to talk about it. Talking about the wounds we bear helps them heal.

It’s funny; when I think of my own childhood — the emotional abuse combined with emotional neglect, plus the various kinds of physical abuse — I sort of shrug and shake my head. Yes, it happened to me, but there was nothing I could do about it at the time, it was not my fault, and I have largely healed the wounds that it gave me. It doesn’t make me angry anymore, nor do I wish to be pitied or treated any different than anyone else. I could get into this more, but I’ve already made this comment too big. Suffice to say, it’s a part of me, but it isn’t me. What -does- get me angry, what -does- make my bile rise and my jaw clench, what -does- make me want to lash out at all the bad people in the world and take their throats in my teeth and tear them to bits, is when I hear about -other- people having had bad childhoods. It’s almost like there’s this person in my mind who’s saying, “It’s bad enough that it happened to me, but I’m okay now. But the fact that somebody -else- had to have a part of themselves scarred and broken? Somebody -else- was neglected/beaten/abused/ignored? OH HELL NO.” I’m still trying to get my head around why that is. - Kim

I am so sorry for the hurtful, horrible things you had to endure. I can relate to a certain extent, as my parents divorced when I was 1 year old, and I never felt my Dad loved me; my feelings were validated when I read a transcript of my parents’ divorce hearing, in which my mother testified that after I was born, my father never touched me - ever. Know why? Cuz I wasn’t a boy! I had 2 older sisters and I guess I was supposed to be his son. I felt like that was MY failure for a very long time. It didn’t take too big of a stretch of my imagination, considering 10 months after I was born he divorced my mother, remarried, and had a baby boy 10 months later!! Leigh

I have known you all your life. You are never ugly and yes your parents ALWAYS treated you different than your brothers and it sucked!! You were not an ugly baby - and you are a beautiful person. Aww shucks!!
If anyone gets to dot your mom’s eye it is ME FIRST! I have had to put up with her shit and her disapproving looks for a very long time. She is glad to see any of Mary’s friends fail in life. - Monica

I haven’t seen my real mother since I was 2. I don’t remember a thing about her all I knew was it was a subject we didn’t talk about. Everyone hushed about it when I walked into the room and my step mother always threatened me if I even thought about talking to my Dad about it. It was a horrible time in his life and its to painful to bring up and here I was a product of it. Later I got them to talk to me when I found out my birth mother had lived with a girls family from school and she came up to me and said I know your Mother.. and I assumed she was talking about my step mother. So I was like Oh cool! Then she says, No your real mother. It hit my like a ton of bricks. I was 17 and realized I never thought about it. Some one else I didn’t knwo but some freshmen in my high school knew her and was throwing it in my face! Anyway I am babbling.. tough stuff it is. - Jaws

Someone I was very close to once was adopted, and into a family that already had two (not adopted) kids. She had a better relationship with her parents, but dealt with a lot of the same problems that you talk about. It was really hard for her, too. Why does it seem like the most emotionally precarious actions in life are the ones that require the least qualification or preparation?

I may well adopt a child someday. I know that that course is fraught with complications. Before reading your posts I had been wondering if it would be easier on the child to keep the adoption secret. But I guess not. It just seems like so much for a child to deal with! B2

As mother who put her first born up for adoption (an open adoption, we have a very good relationship) I would like to say “screw you” to all the people who say things like, “if she had wanted you, she would have kept you”, not just for myself but for all the children who have been adopted.
It wasn’t about wanting my first child, it was simply that I loved her enough to know that my life circumstances would limit her life and I wasn’t about to give her anything less than she deserved.
I am betting your biological mother was no different. - Anonymous

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