June 6 would have been my 16th wedding anniversary. Instead, June 7 is now my 15th divorce anniversary.
People see that and think it’s pathetic. I must have rushed into marriage, chose poorly. Yes and yes. But I did marry a man I knew for seven years, a man I was best friends with for three years before we “hooked up” for the final time, who I talked on the phone with on an almost daily basis for over a year before we started dating and then got engaged.
I think at 23, I was scared no one would ever want me, but I wasn’t quite desperate. I firmly believed that life owed me a partner and a happily ever after. I survived my childhood by clinging to the one hope of just one person to call my own. And here he was, one man who seemed to suddenly look at me (after years of me chasing him) and say, “You. You’re exactly what I want.” And he said it exactly long enough to get the engagement ring on my finger, get me to quit my job and move in with him. The closer the wedding day came, the more he let me know that I wasn’t at all what he wanted, but if I could just change my behavior ever so slightly I’d become good enough. Mere days after the wedding the reconstruction efforts of Mary began in earnest. I’d never be warned in advance what he hated about me. The news flash would come immediately after my infraction, usually involving screaming, or being spit at, or being thrown against the wall. His rages were always my fault. If I could just talk different, think different, and be a totally different person. I’d be exactly what he wanted.
So I practiced, took mental notes, stayed awake all night planning every word out of my mouth for the next day. But my corrected behavior wasn’t good enough either. Seems that even being exactly what he wanted, I was nothing he wanted.
15 years of hindsight and now I can’t honestly pin down exactly what he was really thinking when he picked me. I’m no pushover (or wouldn’t be for long). Why marriage, why me? Was he trying to escape his stalker ex-girlfriend? Was he looking for a woman to give him the love his mother never did, only to discover that no human being could make up for that hurt? Was he looking to feel better about himself by having a real, live human to call his own so he could kill them a little bit day by day? Who knows, and now blessedly not my problem.
But I still can’t wrap my mind around why people don’t see what gift it is when someone stops dead in their tracks, looks at you and says, “You. It’s you that I want to share every day with until I die.” I don’t understand why people think such an honor is owed to them, why they don’t see it as the miracle it is. The compliment it is. It’s like how a baby looks at you without a hint of realization that you could drop them, that’s the trust a person puts in their partner when they marry. Once someone hands you the keys to every day they will ever live from the wedding day on, why do many people think this is nothing worth fighting for, worth tending to?
We’ll take a financial planning seminar but refuse to go to marriage counseling. We’ll fight for a parking space but when it comes to our relationships, divorce is easier than fighting for our marriages. I’m not talking about the big, horrid horrible marriages. Divorce has it’s place - I know I’d be a murder victim without it. I’m talking about the bigger tragedies of divorce. The marriages that whithered on the vine. The slow spiral into onesselves, the hurts left undoctored. Taking for granted, being selfish, keeping score, not pitching in… We take that one person who said, “I love you above everyone else, forever!” and we don’t throw them away with both hands. But we do let them sit in the rain and rust away from neglect.
I can’t imagine anyone looking at me and saying, “You bring me joy. Let’s spend the rest of our lives bringing each other joy. You are exactly what I’ve been looking for.” But if I ever get that lucky, I hope I remember how fragile that is, and spend every day tending to it. And I hope that man would make even half that effort.
Because it’s exactly what we all deserve, and it’s more than any of us deserve.
* * * * *
At the wedding reception, I remember the best man making a short toast. I don’t remember what the toast was, but I remember him ending it by screaming, “GO PENGUINS IN ‘92!” The 92-93 season of my marriage was a losing season. I wonder how the Penguins did? 
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> “But I still can’t wrap my mind around why people don’t see what gift it is when someone stops dead in their tracks, looks at you and says, ‘You. It’s you that I want to share every day with until I die.’”
In my experience, low self-worth can express itself that way sometimes. Some people who cannot conceive of themselves being any kind of “gift” to another person, when presented with that gift, reject it. They don’t recognize it for what it is, or they can’t deal with the cognitive dissonance of receiving something they clearly aren’t worthy of, or the idea of accepting it threatens their unhealthy but comfortable world.
I certainly have been guilty of that. Because I didn’t feel I had anything to contribute to a friendship or romantic relationship, I devalued all human relationships. I was toxic to people who entered my sphere of influence. It was a long time before I got past that.
It’s funny because I have known people at 23 who had wisdom decades beyond their years, and then on the other hand there was me. I oftentimes wish I could just excise the years 21-25 from my life. The things I thought I understood, the things that were important to me, or which I didn’t think were important…I was so incredibly stupid and immature and naive. Those years are just like one big Members Only jacket in my memories. Embarrassing.
I’m glad for you that you are not one who devalues that thing a committed, intimate relationship can provide. I think you are way ahead of the curve…at any age!
Ditto to what the commenter above said. On the other hand, I’m with you and also believe that some marriages are not meant to be for some reason or another but it’s not something that I take lightly (divorce.) I still wanted to go to marriage counseling even after I found out that my ex husband was cheating on me and had been for awhile. I felt like an idiot at the time but I also knew that by asking him to go to counseling, even though he refused, that *I* had put everything I had into making our marriage work. It was him who chose to throw it away and he who also filed for divorce.
I hope to one day find that special someone too but for some reason I just don’t see it happening. I’m not sure why. Low self-esteem, which I don’t think that I have, or just the fact that I was so sure that HE was the ONE and I was wrong then so who’s to say I won’t be wrong the next time too. I guess that would make me jaded with a wall built around me. I’ll never know the answers to these questions so I just continue to live my life and if that someone should happen to show up……I’ll take it from there.
@B and Dawn:
Bryan, I never thought about the fact that a person’s lack of self worth can sabotage a relationship once they have it - I only thought about how low self-worth can keep one from having the relationship in the first place. Interesting!
Dawn, your situation perfectly illustrates the point I was trying to get to (but never got to). Anecdotal evidence from hearing stories from my friends points to many marriages being unhealthy because they are very one-sided. Your husband obviously didn’t care enough about you to honor his vows, and after the mistake was made he didn’t care enough to try and mend things. Also I’d say for every three infidelity stories I hear, two of them ends up with the spouse cheating again. Once in a while the spouse is completely remorseful and would never do it again. Although your husband really should have been willing to work on the marriage, maybe in his case he saved you from throwing good time after bad.
Both people have to work at it. And if one person is throwing the marriage away with both hands, or has the “I’m happy so who cares about you” attitude, or “My way or the highway…” well, what other option is there in that case than divorce (or staying and being miserable as you’re treated as a doormat)?
Learning to value yourself after a childhood of being devalued is a difficult endevour indeed.
I speak from personal experience, and while my life is much better now…I still fight those demons.
My husband sometimes tells me that it’s painful to watch me put myself through the torture of feeling I”m not “good enough”. From situations at work, to dealing with family, to our own marriage.
It’s a constant struggle.
Who knows if you ever stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have an excellent job, a lovely home and a good husband…and as irrational as it sounds, I’m waiting for some horrible thing to happen to take it all away.
I was told all my life that we are all one tragedy from the street…I always feel like I have one foot in the gutter…for no valid and tangible reason.
Tell me that isn’t a result of my childhood.
There are certain things that happen in a persons life that cannot be uttered to another soul…but sneak up on you at night as you’re drifting off to sleep, and seep out into daily living.
No matter how hard you try to fend them off.
The irony is that people come to me every day for advice, as though I really have some answers.
It’s ironic.
@radmila: Thank you dear Radmila. I’m sorry that you’re going through painful things as well. You’re such a wonderful person and deserve the best. I’m glad you have a wonderful husband and job! Thanks for sharing your experiences. (hugs)
You are so very sweet, Mary…it’s not like that 24/7…obviously…but, I’m certain that you know what I mean.