As usual, the marvelous B2 always comes through with words that puts everything in perspective. (Moved up from the comments section of my last post so I never forget this.)
How did I, a strong and independent person, let myself be treated so horribly, over and over again?
B2:
My $.02: I think normal, decent people are basically giving and compassionate people. And I think normal, decent relationships involve two people giving freely of each other and taking care of each other as best they can. Their needs aren’t met by taking, but receiving gladly what is gladly given.
And then you have those dysfunctional people whose ability to give is somehow screwed up. Maybe at some point in their lives they became broken, and now see themselves as victims of life. I’ve always believed that the most vicious, hurtful people are the ones who identify as victims, because that sense of being wronged trumps all other human considerations. You’re capable of any level of atrocity when you feel morally justified.
Those broken people become takers, because in their minds they got the short end of the stick in life, and because that’s their self identity, there’s no point at which they can become satisfied. There can never be enough because their identity is someone who does not have enough. They give nothing to others, or only as little is needed to maintain their hold on others, because they’re too lost in their self-pity to spare any consideration for others.
Any relationship with people like this becomes broken because they don’t follow the social contract. And naturally, that is puzzling to normal people. You give, and the other person doesn’t give back, and maybe you think the problem’s on your end, that you’re not giving enough or not the right kind of giving, so you keep giving and trying to work out whatever the glitch is, and the other person just takes and takes.
And then eventually you realize that it’s not you, it’s them, and that you can’t fix whatever’s wrong with them, and you cut them loose for your own survival’s sake. And they blame you — of course, since they’re the victim, they’re always the victim, they don’t know how not to be the victim.
Anyway, good for you for cutting this vampire loose! I hope that guy gets some kind of help and works out his malfunction, but life’s too short to waste with destructive, toxic people.
I’m also reminded of a comment from the dear Serenity that I received on a post back in June (over the same stupid man - sorry I wasn’t quite done torturing myself with him back then, but I am now). I’m pasting it here for a good reminder too.
You’re not stupid. You probably trust too much, you see good in people and that may over ride what your instincts are telling you, you make excuses for people when they don’t deserve them….none of that makes you stupid. That makes you a warm hearted, empathetic individual and there are assholes out there who prey on those types of people. THEY are wrong. Not you. Don’t you DARE let someone make you feel like you did something wrong. Don’t let them make you jaded and fearful. Don’t let them put the blame on you. Trusting, giving people chances, opening up to possible reasons, (excuses), makes you open minded, makes you a good person, makes you a more loving person than those types of people deserve.
The trick is to continue to trust, be open minded, be caring and warm and empathetic while still protecting yourself. And that means learning the red flags, listening to your instincts…if you get the feeling something is wrong, it IS. You should never have to guess what someone feels for you. If you find yourself not knowing, that’s the exact time to start listening to that inner voice and paying attention to red flags.
The very last thing you are is stupid.
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