Author Archive

You would think I’d be lonely today.  But it’s like today is the first day in a while that I’m NOT lonely.  I am not sitting around waiting for an email he’ll never bother to write.  I’m not sitting around waiting for a phone call that will never come.  I’m not sitting around waiting for an invite to his house that will come only when he gets lonely or horny enough (not when he misses MY particular company).

No one is going to hurt my feelings today, for the first time in a while.  It feels really, really good.

Random Crap.  From where?  Well, my hard drive silly!

There used to be a website that published “comics” written to old clipart, much like Drew does today at Married to the Sea, and to pictures at WATDH.  I really liked the site I got this comic from - wish I could find it again.

Moose, about three months old, playing with my german shep Harley.  Harley, who died about three years ago, was truly the best dog ever.  Miss you girl!  It’s not your fault that you didn’t like annoying puppies.

My brother’s original ankle injury, about three years ago.  He ran over his own foot with his four-wheeler.  His second surgery is scheduled for October 9, this time for a cartilage rebuild.  Which should have been done the first time (instead of a repair attempt) but I think his ortho surgeon was stoned and a bit too laid back.

About four years ago I worked at a job and would go out to lunch with a coworker named Jill, who drove like she had a score to settle (kind of like my driving now that I think of it).  After a close call with a pedestrian, I made this for her.

One of the most perfect wildlife captions ever.

• Breakfast Review: Carnation Instant Breakfast, Strawberry: Putrid. The End. #
• I want a puppy. Someone talk me out of it! #
• My heart hurts and I’m sick of it. Out out, damned man! #
• Like thermometer karma? I posted about it on my blogio. Bonus task: see if you can hit the South Park banner on the first page load! #
• Working all weekend and I still have no hope of meeting my deadline. I have a headache. #

As usual, the marvelous B2 always comes through with words that puts everything in perspective. (Moved up from the comments section of my last post so I never forget this.)

How did I, a strong and independent person, let myself be treated so horribly, over and over again?

B2:
My $.02: I think normal, decent people are basically giving and compassionate people. And I think normal, decent relationships involve two people giving freely of each other and taking care of each other as best they can. Their needs aren’t met by taking, but receiving gladly what is gladly given.

And then you have those dysfunctional people whose ability to give is somehow screwed up. Maybe at some point in their lives they became broken, and now see themselves as victims of life. I’ve always believed that the most vicious, hurtful people are the ones who identify as victims, because that sense of being wronged trumps all other human considerations. You’re capable of any level of atrocity when you feel morally justified.

Those broken people become takers, because in their minds they got the short end of the stick in life, and because that’s their self identity, there’s no point at which they can become satisfied. There can never be enough because their identity is someone who does not have enough. They give nothing to others, or only as little is needed to maintain their hold on others, because they’re too lost in their self-pity to spare any consideration for others.

Any relationship with people like this becomes broken because they don’t follow the social contract. And naturally, that is puzzling to normal people. You give, and the other person doesn’t give back, and maybe you think the problem’s on your end, that you’re not giving enough or not the right kind of giving, so you keep giving and trying to work out whatever the glitch is, and the other person just takes and takes.

And then eventually you realize that it’s not you, it’s them, and that you can’t fix whatever’s wrong with them, and you cut them loose for your own survival’s sake. And they blame you — of course, since they’re the victim, they’re always the victim, they don’t know how not to be the victim.

Anyway, good for you for cutting this vampire loose! I hope that guy gets some kind of help and works out his malfunction, but life’s too short to waste with destructive, toxic people.

I’m also reminded of a comment from the dear Serenity that I received on a post back in June (over the same stupid man - sorry  I wasn’t quite done torturing myself with him back then, but I am now).  I’m pasting it here for a good reminder too.

You’re not stupid.  You probably trust too much, you see good in people and that may over ride what your instincts are telling you,  you make excuses for people when they don’t deserve them….none of that makes you stupid.  That makes you a warm hearted, empathetic individual and there are assholes out there who prey on those types of people.  THEY are wrong.  Not you.  Don’t you DARE let someone make you feel like you did something wrong.  Don’t let them make you jaded and fearful.  Don’t let them put the blame on you.  Trusting, giving people chances, opening up to possible reasons, (excuses), makes you open minded, makes you a good person, makes you a more loving person than those types of people deserve.

The trick is to continue to trust, be open minded, be caring and warm and empathetic while still protecting yourself.  And that means learning the red flags, listening to your instincts…if you get the feeling something is wrong, it IS.  You should never have to guess what someone feels for you.  If you find yourself not knowing, that’s the exact time to start listening to that inner voice and paying attention to red flags.

The very last thing you are is stupid.

From SMBC.  A warning to us all.

I especially love the follow-up frame the artist posted in the comments section.

I have just kicked yo-yo boy out of my life forever, and as usual it was ugly. Oh yes, I’ve done this so many times in the past even I’m rolling my eyes a bit at me bothering to make the effort. But let me tell you, my heart is soaring right now.

This person is one of the most soul-sucking, destructive people I’ve ever met. He is also the only self-loathing narcissist I’ve ever met, which is a Master’s thesis for some psych major if I ever heard one. (Narcissist because he’s the center of his entire universe, no one else’s needs or feelings count, and humans - including his kids - are on this planet to serve his emotional needs. Yet he hates himself at the same time. What a universe!)

I don’t understand why I didn’t give up on him for good long ago. But when someone is willing to tell you what you want to hear, you tend to be goddamn stupid. And when you love someone you put up with a LOT.

He never loved me back but never had the honor or decency to stop dangling a carrot that maybe someday things would be different.

I am SO GLAD HE’S GONE. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Yes, as my tarot-reading friend said several weeks ago, my blinders are off.

Yo-Yo Boy said he “blocked” me so I shouldn’t bother to write back after he wrote me telling my my flaws (or he probably did - I didn’t pay much attention to his emails). Well, I could write back if I wanted to because the dumbshit doesn’t know that blocking someone only works in chat.

I’m so angry right now, because he got one over on me yet again. I’m angry at myself that I’d let anyone like him touch my life or touch my heart. That I’d talk myself into thinking that he was so much more of a person that he actually is. Oh my GOD did I shine up that turd in my own mind!

Oh, but I forgot - he RECYCLES. He’s better than you and me!

Every day of his life is miserable. He actually resents anyone who tries to bring him joy or distraction. He is in love with himself and his own misery. He is the first atheist martyr you’ll ever meet.

I look back on the past 14 months and when I think of my most miserable moments, a majority of them were CAUSED BY HIM.

Yeah, I’ve had some miserable moments unrelated to him: due to my old job and the P.A.T. I worked with. I had some miserable moments when my aunt died in April, and when my best friend of 18 years let me down. I had some miserable moments around last September when my depression kicked in and there were a few weeks when I was really on the edge of wondering if I should just give up. But you know what? My “friend” yo-yo boy was there for NONE OF IT. Yeah, we were dating last September and I was very honest with how bad my depression was. His response was to completely ignore me for a week.

Before when I’ve attempted to end it with Yo Yo Boy, I’d be sad over the loss of him, and sad because I missed him. But over the past couple weeks when I’ve been thinking of giving up on him, any tears I’ve shed were mourning the loss of my efforts. He may not think so, but my love and attention are valuable commodities. Yes, it’s hurtful when the object of my heart refuses those gifts. It’s hurtful when the person you’re sleeping with does not want to share any other part of his life, not even small talk about how his week went. But in the end, I didn’t cause this behavior because I wasn’t good enough. I’m sure yo-yo boy probably thinks that deep down. But he will treat people with such disdain, on some level, for the rest of his life. Because narcissists, like child molesters, have a very low chance of being rehabilitated even with years of therapy.

When I left my abusive husband, I knew that even if I were alone for the rest of my life, I’d still be happier than I would be staying with him. Yo Yo boy was selfish and manipulative to the point where he became an emotionally abusive influence in my life. I feel the same way about leaving yo yo boy as I felt leaving my husband. Even if I never have sex again as long as I live, it’s a fate I’d gladly accept because it’s a fate that means he’s OUT OF HERE.

I’m so happy right now. I’m working from home. I have amazing friends. I absolutely love my job and the work I’m doing. I have my dream job! I’m preparing to start graduate school in the next year.

Yo yo boy will never be happy because he doesn’t see people as people. He sees them as a means to an end. He gets physical affection, he gets attention, he gets his ego stroked occasionally. But he never cares about those people he takes from. They’re like a bunch of refrigerators to him. He opens the door and takes what he wants when he wants it, then immediately shuts the door, and in his mind that refrigerator doesn’t exist any more until the next time he needs fed. He doesn’t think about that refrigerator when he’s at work, when he’s watching TV, when he’s wondering what to do tomorrow. When something good or bad happens in his life, he doesn’t run to share it with the refrigerator. Even the people he says he loves, he doesn’t really love THEM. He loves what they do for him. Even his ex: She has given him an excuse to feel sorry for himself for three years screaming “I’ll never love again!” which gets him attention from idiots (like me) who try to show him he’s wrong.

And he is wrong in a way, because he never loved in the first place.

I’m sure his manipulation and false sincerity will bring him many new people who will sincerely love him with all their heart. He will throw that gift away time and time again, using one excuse after another. I feel sorry for those who fall into the same trap I did.

He’s an emotional vampire, and not the sexy kind like Spike on Buffy. He’s the kind that sucks the joy from everyone around him, and the sad part is that his efforts do nothing to increase his joy.

I’m angry right now and want nothing but horrible things to befall him. But I do know that after a few weeks, I’ll be over that and will just feel pity for a man who chooses to never be happy and even delights in that decision. I’ll feel sorry for him. But I’ll never want him back. He’s someone else’s problem now (or soon will be - but I’m guessing his treatment of me over the last few weeks means he’s got his sights on someone else).

I’ll never again be curious as to where he is, how he’s doing. Because I just don’t care. My only concern remotely regarding him is this: How did I, a strong and independent person, let myself be treated so horribly, over and over again? I have a lot of self-examination to do to figure out why I let myself stoop so low. That’s the cause of and focus of 90% of any emotions I feel today. He said that he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again because I say mean things. Well guess what Einstein - when you treat people like UTTER SHIT time and time again, they’re gonna eventually tell you off, and if you get even 1/10th of what you deserve, they WON’T BE NICE ABOUT IT. I’m proud of all of the moments of truth where I had the courage to say what you need to hear. I say it = I’m mean. Others say it = the world is mean. It’s never your fault, is it yo yo boy? Think again. I have never once said anything to you that you didn’t deserve.

The past year was my first experience loving a narcissist, and it will NEVER happen again.

I love squirrels and anything squirrel-related.  So when I saw this video on Cute Overload, I was delighted:

Do you think that squirrel was sick? Like maybe had a UTI or something, the way it was laying down? Let’s hope not.

Have you ever been to The Squirrel Queen’s blog? She does the best squirrel photoshops. I confess that I collect them.

The admin at my company, Elizabeth - we have running squirrel jokes. It all started when I used to have a cubicle by a window with a tree right by the window with a squirrel living in it. We named him Professor Nibbles and we used to feed him, then watch from inside as he’d run down the tree, get the food, then run right back up again. When asked why “Professor” Nibbles, we’d reply, “Because he has a PhD in deliciousness.”

Speaking of squirrels, have you seen Sugar Bush Squirrel? Between Squirrel Queen and Sugar Bush Squirrel, I have a squirrel image for every business email need. Well, business email to Elizabeth anyway.

This is Sugar Bush Squirrel imitating my nursing school graduation picture.

The resemblance is uncanny!

The pics at Sugar Bush amaze me. The details of the elaborate themed costumes and backgrounds. The expression of Sugar Bush. I can see why she’s the world’s most photographed squirrel.