Author Archive

So I upgraded to the new Firefox, and was HORRIFIED to notice one change immediately:  With the new Firefox, when you type into the address bar (oh wait, it’s now called the awesome bar), IT DISPLAYS EVERY BOOKMARK YOU HAVE THAT STARTS WITH THAT LETTER!  So yeah guys, if your girlfriend is visiting and wants to visit Ebay and starts typing the “e” of ebay.com, a drop down instantly appears that lists EVERY BOOKMARKED WEBSITE YOU HAVE that starts with E.  Your girlfriend will see “easypoon.com” and “easyhousewives.com” and whatever porn bookmark you thought you had safely hidden in the deeply buried subfolders of your bookmark list!

Porn aside, if you have a lot of bookmarks, this is extremely cluttered and visually distracting.

Oh and guess what?  Mozilla thought it would be just SUPER if there would be absolutely no way you could turn this feature off in the options!

What a bunch of stupid jackasses!  “Let’s put in an annoying feature that will affect almost every action our user takes when using our product… a feature that only 1 out of 30 users would even remotely want, and let’s FORCE it on them!

Luckily some user made a firefox extension that disables this assanine feature.

If it wasn’t for this extension so the feature could be disabled, I would have stopped using Firefox altogether.

GASP!  Are you shitting me, Victoria’s Secret?

Did you indeed dare to make the bold statement in the subject line of the email you sent me, that pants are going to be all the rage this fall?

Wild and wacky stuff!  Who would have forseen that people wear pants in the fall?  These are crazy times.

It is the end of week four of my isolation.  I am enjoying it thoroughly.  I’m happier than I’ve been in YEARS. However, I have failed at meeting most of my WAH goals.

• Eat healthier.  Goal partially met.  I haven’t been to Starbucks in a month (used to go 3-4 times a week).  Have only been out to eat an average of 1-2 times a week (used to go out to eat or through a drive - through at least 10 meals a week).  Still, I have lost ZERO POUNDS. The universe is cruel.

• Put on pants every day.  Goal not met.

• Put on bra every day.  Goal not met.

• Shower every day. Goal partially met.  I do skip days though, when I skip my lunch break.  Most days I roll out of bed at 5:20, take care of animals, start working by 6 - 6:30am, and take my shower on my lunch break.

• Walk Moose 3-5 times a week.  Goal not met.  I did well the first 2 weeks, but have been working most waking hours, 7 days a week, the past 2 weeks on a deadline.

• Keep up with yard work. Goal not met - see above.

• Keep my office area organized. Goal so not met - intend on meeting this goal next week.

• Catch up on housework. Goal partially met.  Past two weeks have been bad, but the two weeks before that, I did a good job using the 1.5 hours/day I used to spend driving to/from work, and applying it toward housework instead.

• Keep up on expense reports. Hahahahaaaaa!

• Join a gym. HAHAHAHAAAA!

• Don’t work more than 45 hours a week. HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I’ve probably put on makeup only six times in the past 28 days.  I haven’t been tanning and I’ve turned translucent.

I will say that I’m not as lonely as I thought I’d be, although the first week I would talk the ear off of anyone who had the misfortune of calling or emailing me.

One difference I do see… the isolation from everyday conversations, where friends at work share their lives with me, really highlighted for me how little of his life Yo-Yo Boy shares with me.  He doesn’t miss me when we don’t talk.  He never calls or emails to tell me about what’s going on in his life.  He never asks about mine.  Despite him promising me back in July that he was ready to give me more, it’s clear he doesn’t consider me a part of his life.  So that is the only dark spot on the beautiful, joyful world that is my new job and new WAH status.

Let me tell you about Mitch (my ex boyfriend) and karma. This was just a small, token thing that happened way back when we were still dating, but I still smile every time I think about it.

Mitch was phobic of germs. Which is ironic because he was a paramedic, but I digress.

At the time I was working as an RN in a “human” ER, but on my nights off I’d work at the local Emergency Vet Clinic as a Veterinary Assistant. (You know me and animals!)

One day Mitch was at my house and I guess he wasn’t feeling well. I was in the bathroom doing my hair, and in walks Mitch with a digital thermometer in his mouth. He said, “I don’t feel well.”

I started laughing so hard I couldn’t talk. I was trying to say, “Take that out of your mouth!” but was laughing too hard to be intelligible. He saw my apoplexy and I guess he thought I was mad that he had my thermometer in his mouth with no sanitary plastic cover deely-thing on it.

Oh, he had no idea.

The real reason for my reaction was that he was using the thermometer I used at the vet clinic. To take animals temperatures. Rectally. Parvo, worms, etc. Sure, I cleaned it off after every use with alcohol and parvocide. But it’s still not something someone wants in their mouth.

I told him it was my vet thermometer, and he didn’t believe me, so I persisted. You should have SEEN HIS FACE when the realization came over him, that he was effectively licking the rectums of a thousand dogs and cats at that very moment! He freaked, pushed me out of the way, attacked the sink like it held a life-saving antidote, and scrubbed out the inside of his mouth for what seemed like forever.

Several months later, we took a trip to Las Vegas on which he had promised for months that he planned on proposing. He never proposed and we broke up the next week. Come to find out he had met someone else all along, and within six months he was married to HER and they had a child on the way.

So you can understand why I look back on the thermometer incident and can’t help but think… it was prepaid karma.

From my days working the Nurse Advice Line, I remember being so surprised at how many adults would call in because their poo was a strange color.

“I’ve been taking all of these new nutritional supplements from GNC. Now my poo is orange. Do you think it’s cancer?”

“I’ve been eating asparagus by the bushel. Now my poo is green. Do you think it’s cancer?”

“I drank a gallon of red Kool-Aid at one sitting. Now my poo is as beautiful as a rainbow! Do you think it’s cancer?”

“I just came in first in a beet-eating contest! Now my poo is red. Do you think I’m pregnant?”

Now, why poo changing color for one measly dump would send people rushing to their phones, I have no idea. Why not wait it out and see if it resolves itself? Of course the exception would be maroon, tarry, or black stools. That could indicate a GI bleed.

But lots of things besides old blood can cause black stools. When people would call in with black stools the first question I’d ask would be, “Did you happen to take Pepto Bismol in the last day or so?” and they’d invariably say, “How’d you know?”

I guess it’s still a secret that Pepto Bismol causes black stools.

Since people are so fascinated by their poo color, I think the Pepto Bismol could make a killing doing some advertising highlighting its little side effect.

For those of you who missed the coverage of the DNC and RNC conventions, allow me to summarize for you.

• Democrats: Here’s issue X, it is a problem because of Y, and we’ll fix it by Z.
• Republicans: Here is issue X. We believe Y, because that’s what will make the top 1% of this country’s population richer and more powerful.  We’ll tell you that you should believe Y too, if you’re patriotic.  If you don’t agree with us, you are crazy and angry and stupid, and your character is hopelessly flawed and you hate Jesus and we hate you.

The End.

Now that I work at home as an Instructional Designer, I’m starting to get some routines down. For example, I find that I still proofread best by working off a hard copy. Plus, it gets me away from the computer, giving my mousing wrist and my neck a needed break. So I like to sit on the couch, use my lap desk my sis-in-law made me (the blue thing with all the pics decoupaged to the top), and proof in comfort. But Moose, my executive assistant, bogarted my editing spot.

Dude, you’re interfering with my workflow!