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Since my last post (thanks for all the comments you guys!) I have been emailed by a friend and was reminded that my behavior towards people I care about can sometimes cause hurt and make them feel like they’ve been “blown off” in the same way I felt.

Now, no one can ever accuse me in my adult life of canceling plans with one friend from out of town in  favor of going to a rock concert with other friends.

But there have been times where I’ve withdrawn and canceled plans with friends.

I did it three weekends in a row with some friends here in Denver, just because I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house.  Which has been increasingly hard for me to do since I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost last summer and fall.

In fact, since about 2000 when I’ve really been battling with weight, I’ve not wanted to see people who knew me before I gained weight.  I hate that look in their eyes, hate having to see them struggle to choke out the required phrase, “You look great!” and I hate being reminded that I’m a failure.

Because let’s face it, no matter what a woman achieves in life, if she’ s not in a relationship, and she’s not thin and attractive, she is 100 percent a failure and, according to society, really shouldn’t leave the house anyway.  (Society resents non-perfect women having the nerve to show their face in public.)

It really upset me to realize I might have made certain people feel the same way that my friend recently made me feel.  In my point of view, the two situations are very different.  But that’s just my point of view.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to gain any sense of self-confidence or self-worth, which is absolutely essential to possess before one undertakes a difficult self-improvement goal such as weight loss.  I am very prone to the unhealthy habit of looking toward some extrinsic force for my validation and motivation.  Last spring my growing friendship with D helped inspire me to join Jenny Craig, and dating him at first helped push me along to losing over 40 pounds.  But when it became clear that I was of little value to him, the blow to my pride caused me to slip.  The ugly and permanent severing of our relationship just before Christmas had me completely revert to my old ways of turning toward food and alcohol for comfort.

So I have a very vicious cycle going on here.  Wanting the friends that I so effectively push away… needing someone else to have confidence in me before I can find enough confidence in myself to be the person I want to be, yet knowing full well that no one will be attracted to me the way I look right now, and the attitude I have towards myself… my overpowering instinct to withdraw during times like these - an instinct that is very easy to let carry me, since I moved to Denver.

In times like these, sometimes the best thing is a change of jobs, which distracts me as I learn the job, is exciting, and allows me to reset health habits.  But the prospects are almost nonexistent so I can’t wait around for that…

I don’t have any answers right now.

Lots of stress this week. But I think one of the main things dragging me down is something that happened last week.

A person who has been my friend for 18 years, and my best friend for 15, has really let me know that I’m not a priority in her life at all. I was passing through town last week and didn’t have time to see all of my friends, so I just asked her to eke out a few hours on one evening so I could see her and her kids, who I love dearly. I have other friends in that town who I love dearly, but I knew after all of my traveling that I wouldn’t have the energy to catch up with everyone, so I made her my top priority. I was still stinging from the fact that she didn’t have time to see me at all the WEEK I came home for Christmas.

She agreed to the plans, but when I called her that day to finalize, I found she had made plans to go to a rock concert with her other friends (I don’t know them), oh but of course I could “come along”. The day before I had spent 11 hours in the Atlanta airport, and didn’t get in town until about 3am so I was running on no sleep and was in no mood to go to a rock concert. She acted annoyed with ME that I refused to go. I haven’t felt that hurt and rejected in a long time.

On Tuesday she emailed me to apologize, saying because her dog died she “needed” to go to the rock concert. Well, on that day my aunt lay dying in a Cairo hospital, and I DIDN’T need to go to a motherfucking rock concert of some unknown band in motherfucking Wichita Kansas.

I don’t want her to feel bad. I’m sad that I’m not going to be part of her kids’ lives because I love them so much. But I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. I’ve lived in Colorado for six years - she visited about 4 1/2 years ago. She made plans for a second trip and canceled after the last minute - after I had already taken time off of work. She doesn’t call often, and doesn’t return my calls. And now on the rare occasions I find myself back in town, she doesn’t have time for me.

I’m sure it’s my ego and I should be more humble… or maybe I’m too easily hurt and too soft-hearted. But suddenly, I just don’t want to try with this friendship any more.

Or maybe this incident is affecting me so much because it’s part of a trend I’m seeing and not liking - the fact that fewer and fewer people want me as any part of their lives any more.

After a week spent driving 8 hours to Wichita, flying to Atlanta for 1.5 days of meetings, being in the Atlanta airport for 10 glorious hours on Friday that left my hair looking like that of a homeless woman’s, finally getting back to Wichita, then driving home 8 hours yesterday, I haven’t had time to update.  But I will!  Stay tuned.

It’s Random Crap From My Hard Drive, bitches!

Today, I’m posting just one pic and telling a little story.

Now, for some reason my current job has just a handful of people who are not happy unless they are making someone else’s life miserable through insults, lying, backstabbing, and throwing unnecessary work my way just to prove they can. Despite the fact that everyone else there are delightful and awesome, I tend to find myself letting my day be ruined by the handful of hateful people.

One particularly bad day, with relationship drama from “that one guy” adding to my mood, I was feeling particularly down and kicked. I saw my friend E in the mail room and told her about my day. “I just wish a super hero would come and save me. Or at the very least, I wish I had something cute and comforting to hug,” I said. I saw a roll of paper towels on the counter. “Like this!” And I was hugging the roll of paper towels. “You’ll save me, won’t you Captain Absorbency?” And we both laughed! I laughed at my joke, and E probably laughed at my desperation.

The next day E, who is our admin, had a crack in her usually calm demeanor. She was furious about the mess that “someone” keeps making in the bathroom. For an office of nurses, there is more than one anonymous employee who sure doesn’t know about biohazardous waste. E often fields complaints of “someone shit all over the toilet again” and “there is pee everywhere in stall 3″. We had a rash of such events and E was about ready to post some signs in the bathroom that she’d surely get in trouble for.

So I made this for her and brought it in the next day. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… CAPTAIN ABSORBENCY!

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Oh South Park, why are you making it so hard for me to love you?

I’ve been a huge, raging fan since your very first episode aired in August of 1997.

I’ve been persecuted for my loyalty.  Having to defend why a “woman of my age” likes a cartoon.  Having to defend some of your more edgy and offensive humor.  Having to tell people that Jakovasaurs was a horrible fluke, but every other episode was worth watching.

But oh my god this season!  We’re three shows in and not one of those shows is a show I’d ever want to see again.  I don’t come into work on Thursday talking about the newest show, like I’ve done in seasons past.

I’ll never quit watching.  I know Matt and Trey still have a huge amount of untapped greatness in them.

This season will turn around!  It… *sob*… it has to!

I’m not depressed.  But I just can’t get my head in a good place.

I’m gaining weight, so I look bad.  I work with at least three people who don’t like me and let me know it, and one of those people is my boss.

I’m not having any luck finding another job.

I’m letting these things get to me.  I’m internalizing it and taking it personally.

I guess I just wish that, despite it all, I had something to look forward to but I don’t.

I’m uninspired.

I’m late for work so a shorter Random Crap from my Hard Drive today.

But hey, don’t miss the post on my other blog where my parent’s dog Sparky gives home repair advice.

Love this pic of a nurse bandaging her dog. What do you think, about 1910? Back in the days where portraits were expensive and everyone was expected to pose a certain way, I love to see these more personalized ones.

This was me last week. I had a really, really bad week last week. My job is going not so very well, and there are currently no prospects for a new one. I interviewed for a job that I was more than qualified for, but I must have interviewed badly because they didn’t offer it to me (this was about three weeks ago that I interviewed). They wanted an RN with software training experience. I’m an RN and have spent the last year and a half training RNs on software. It’s not like there are tons of people out there with those qualifications.

So I’m feeling down and my confidence has really taken a hit. Add that to a coworker who, whenever there is no one within earshot, shoots out little passive aggressive comments on the fact I’m a bad person with a horrible personality, and I’m feeling kind of down right now.

Let’s hope this week is better!