Archive for the “Personal” Category


Imagine you are a corporate trainer.

Imagine teaching back-to-back new-hire classes, which always means overtime hours (you’re salaried so you’re not paid for them, and comp time is not allowed). It also means working through almost all of your lunches and breaks, and occasionally working on your days off as well.

Imagine having to “perform” from 8:30am - 5pm M - F, talking and entertaining classes and teaching complicated policies and processes, and doing this pretty much without a break for months on end, while still having hours of job responsibilities other than your in-class training. And when your students are on their lunch break, you’re furiously scrambling around making sure handouts are ready for the next day, researching questions, answering the 20 pieces of email that came in in the past hour and a half (at least some of those have extra work for you to do in your “free time”).

Now imagine that, from that moment on, as the years pass any mistake the employee makes on the job will always be your fault because their boss claims you didn’t “teach them good enough” in the 2 or 3 weeks you had them in new hire training back in 2006.

If a productivity policy is finally enforced 6 months or a year after a person is on the job, and that person doesn’t like the fact they are finally accountable for the work they do, imagine if the director of the entire office blamed you for the poor staff morale because you didn’t “prepare” the new employee that this might happen, despite the fact that you DID prepare the employees for this, except they have forgotten because the productivity policy was not enforced for the past two years and now suddenly it is.

If an employee who has worked for the company three months, six months, a year, is caught breaking a rule (like talking on their personal cell phone at their desk), imagine if nothing is said to the employee but you get told you didn’t train the rules well enough, even though this rule was repeated at least a dozen times during new-hire training.

Now imagine all of that, and then imagine that, after almost 2 years at the company, the new-hires you are training today make at least $500/month MORE than you, and that’s after you’ve had two yearly raises at the company, AND A PROMOTION! Keep in mind you have at least the skills the new-hires have - that was a requirement before you were hired. Plus you have more skills which qualified you to train them. Add in there that they can get paid overtime (you can’t), and they will continue to make exponentially more than you as time passes, since their raises will always be bigger.

Speaking of raises, now imagine that your boss is in another state and has never bothered to come out and observe your job performance. Imagine that your boss admits she’s never bothered to read even one of the post-class surveys to see the glowing reviews your students give you. In fact, you’ve probably only talked to your boss on the phone about four times in the past nine months: two of those times are because you called her repeatedly and insisted on a call back, one of those times she was required to call you to do your yearly performance review, and only one of those times did she call you to check in and see how you were doing.

Now imagine if that boss gave you a merely average performance review, citing the score on the basis that you had “personality issues” because you reported problems with another trainer - problems that were also being complained about and reported by dozens of other managers, coworkers and students LONG before you even worked at the company.

Then imagine if you found out that other trainer - the one with multiple complaints about them, and who is currently on a “written warning” 90 day probation (denoting serious concerns about job performance… it’s the last step before someone is fired) - got the SAME PERFORMANCE REVIEW THAT YOU DID, and the same raise.

Wouldn’t you want another job, despite the fact that when it comes to the actual work, you love what you do and are very good at it?

Comments 13 Comments »

Lauren turned me on to Vimeo - a new video hosting service. I thought I’d try it out.

The first thing I did was try to get the video I made for my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary converted to a sharable format. I made the HUGE mistake of using Ulead DVD Picture Show to make the damn thing - little did I know that the program saves the video in a proprietary format, so I couldn’t share it with anyone unless I burned an actual DVD! So today I sprung for a $35 DVD ripper program, and ripped the video to AVI format. It only took me four years to figure this out! ;)

The video is 13 minutes long but it was a big hit at my parents’ party. People clapped at the part about my dad being an Eagle Scout, and many were teary-eyed by the end of the video. (I think the music did it.)

What do you think? (And yes, I know full well that I was a butt-ugly child.)


My Parents’ 40th Anniversary Video from Mary on Vimeo.

Comments 7 Comments »

Since my last post (thanks for all the comments you guys!) I have been emailed by a friend and was reminded that my behavior towards people I care about can sometimes cause hurt and make them feel like they’ve been “blown off” in the same way I felt.

Now, no one can ever accuse me in my adult life of canceling plans with one friend from out of town in  favor of going to a rock concert with other friends.

But there have been times where I’ve withdrawn and canceled plans with friends.

I did it three weekends in a row with some friends here in Denver, just because I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house.  Which has been increasingly hard for me to do since I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost last summer and fall.

In fact, since about 2000 when I’ve really been battling with weight, I’ve not wanted to see people who knew me before I gained weight.  I hate that look in their eyes, hate having to see them struggle to choke out the required phrase, “You look great!” and I hate being reminded that I’m a failure.

Because let’s face it, no matter what a woman achieves in life, if she’ s not in a relationship, and she’s not thin and attractive, she is 100 percent a failure and, according to society, really shouldn’t leave the house anyway.  (Society resents non-perfect women having the nerve to show their face in public.)

It really upset me to realize I might have made certain people feel the same way that my friend recently made me feel.  In my point of view, the two situations are very different.  But that’s just my point of view.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to gain any sense of self-confidence or self-worth, which is absolutely essential to possess before one undertakes a difficult self-improvement goal such as weight loss.  I am very prone to the unhealthy habit of looking toward some extrinsic force for my validation and motivation.  Last spring my growing friendship with D helped inspire me to join Jenny Craig, and dating him at first helped push me along to losing over 40 pounds.  But when it became clear that I was of little value to him, the blow to my pride caused me to slip.  The ugly and permanent severing of our relationship just before Christmas had me completely revert to my old ways of turning toward food and alcohol for comfort.

So I have a very vicious cycle going on here.  Wanting the friends that I so effectively push away… needing someone else to have confidence in me before I can find enough confidence in myself to be the person I want to be, yet knowing full well that no one will be attracted to me the way I look right now, and the attitude I have towards myself… my overpowering instinct to withdraw during times like these - an instinct that is very easy to let carry me, since I moved to Denver.

In times like these, sometimes the best thing is a change of jobs, which distracts me as I learn the job, is exciting, and allows me to reset health habits.  But the prospects are almost nonexistent so I can’t wait around for that…

I don’t have any answers right now.

Comments 4 Comments »

Lots of stress this week. But I think one of the main things dragging me down is something that happened last week.

A person who has been my friend for 18 years, and my best friend for 15, has really let me know that I’m not a priority in her life at all. I was passing through town last week and didn’t have time to see all of my friends, so I just asked her to eke out a few hours on one evening so I could see her and her kids, who I love dearly. I have other friends in that town who I love dearly, but I knew after all of my traveling that I wouldn’t have the energy to catch up with everyone, so I made her my top priority. I was still stinging from the fact that she didn’t have time to see me at all the WEEK I came home for Christmas.

She agreed to the plans, but when I called her that day to finalize, I found she had made plans to go to a rock concert with her other friends (I don’t know them), oh but of course I could “come along”. The day before I had spent 11 hours in the Atlanta airport, and didn’t get in town until about 3am so I was running on no sleep and was in no mood to go to a rock concert. She acted annoyed with ME that I refused to go. I haven’t felt that hurt and rejected in a long time.

On Tuesday she emailed me to apologize, saying because her dog died she “needed” to go to the rock concert. Well, on that day my aunt lay dying in a Cairo hospital, and I DIDN’T need to go to a motherfucking rock concert of some unknown band in motherfucking Wichita Kansas.

I don’t want her to feel bad. I’m sad that I’m not going to be part of her kids’ lives because I love them so much. But I don’t think I can be friends with her any more. I’ve lived in Colorado for six years - she visited about 4 1/2 years ago. She made plans for a second trip and canceled after the last minute - after I had already taken time off of work. She doesn’t call often, and doesn’t return my calls. And now on the rare occasions I find myself back in town, she doesn’t have time for me.

I’m sure it’s my ego and I should be more humble… or maybe I’m too easily hurt and too soft-hearted. But suddenly, I just don’t want to try with this friendship any more.

Or maybe this incident is affecting me so much because it’s part of a trend I’m seeing and not liking - the fact that fewer and fewer people want me as any part of their lives any more. :(

Comments 8 Comments »

After a week spent driving 8 hours to Wichita, flying to Atlanta for 1.5 days of meetings, being in the Atlanta airport for 10 glorious hours on Friday that left my hair looking like that of a homeless woman’s, finally getting back to Wichita, then driving home 8 hours yesterday, I haven’t had time to update.  But I will!  Stay tuned.

Comments 1 Comment »

I’m not depressed.  But I just can’t get my head in a good place.

I’m gaining weight, so I look bad.  I work with at least three people who don’t like me and let me know it, and one of those people is my boss.

I’m not having any luck finding another job.

I’m letting these things get to me.  I’m internalizing it and taking it personally.

I guess I just wish that, despite it all, I had something to look forward to but I don’t.

I’m uninspired.

Comments 8 Comments »

I got my federal and state tax returns in. I owe so much on credit cards, the refunds won’t even make a dent. But I decided to splurge and get some things I really wanted for a long time.

CricutI’ve been researching prices and user reviews on the Cricut Personal Cutting Machine for over a year and a half now. It retails for about $250, and sells on Ebay for more than that sometimes (why would you pay MORE on Ebay for something you could buy cheaper at a retailer and have the option of returning it?) I’ve never seen bids on these machines end for less than about $220 once you pay for shipping/handling. The cheapest retail price I’ve ever seen was at the evil Wal-Mart for $184 plus shipping. I try to avoid supporting that demon corporation, but of course I got a $20 gift certificate for Christmas, so I was tempted. But instead I bid in an Ebay auction and won it. After paying for shipping and insurance, it’s only costing me $165 for a new-in-package Cricut! YAY! I feel like I got quite a bargain from the $250 it sells for.



ipodnano-silver-hero.jpg

Then on Buy.com they have a 3rd generation 4gb Ipod Nano, refurbished. I normally shun refurbished electronics but this still comes with all factory accessories and has gotten great reviews. With an online promotion code for a 5% discount, it ended up only costing me $94! I wanted an 8gb in red or the new hot pink color available on apple.com, but those sell for $199. For the 4gb I figured I saved $55 off buying it new. I don’t like to listen to new, unfamiliar music very often so I figure 1000 songs is plenty for me. (My old ipod was a 20gb, much older generation with the extra buttons and a black and white screen - I think it was stolen by the guy sitting next to me on a flight back from Cincinnati last summer when I became sick on the flight and was distracted by severe pain. I bought that one used and only paid $90 for that one as well.) My bargain was detracted from because I opeted for faster shipping ($14 more), rather than the free shipping that could take up to 9 business days. I have a trip coming up and I want to have it before the trip.



205865136.jpg

I also bought a cute little wallet to protect my ipod when I carry it in my purse. I love pink and brown as a color combination. Retails for $25, I got it for $14.50.

A really, really cool thing is that my parents won bluetooth wireless ipod earphones as a prize somewhere, and they’re giving those to me for free.

So even without counting the wireless headphones, and even after paying shipping and insurance, I saved almost $150 today, after spending $280.

Bargains make me happy.


Comments 4 Comments »