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Lunch, crystal light drink (5 calories), tomato soup, 120 calories, no fat.

OK, this is it. I can’t stand what I’ve become, and I have to do something about it. Today is Monday, July 15th and I weigh 175. This time last year I weighed maybe 145, at the most 150 (but I doubt it). This time three years ago I was well on my way to weighing 135. That is where I want to be. So I am starting this diet blog, and I hope to write in it every day.

This morning, I had a slim fast shake at 6 am. Got to work and had a cup of coffee with equal and creamer. I’ve had 1/2 glass of water and I need to drink more. I’ve also had Kudos bar (100 calories, 4g fat).

I’m hungry, but I figure, with all the beer I’ve drank this weekend, I should shut the fuck up.

Goals this week: write more on my short story and in my blog, clean my apartment, go tanning, and start a walking regime. This is difficult for me. I don’t want to go anywhere outside because I’m so ashamed of how I look.

When I want to eat, I should think: “Is this really worth it? The being ashamed of going out in public? The never having anything to wear? Looking older than I am? Not being able to go back and visit my friends because I don’t want them to see me like this?”

(I posted this on a message board after yet another “Christian Bashing” by those who are atheists and that anyone who believes otherwise is pathetic and stupid).

Those that don’t believe get offended if someone says they are arrogant to think they know it all.

But then they expect those of us who DO believe to sit there and smile, and not stick up for ourselvess when you call us:

superstitious

weak (needing a crutch to get through life)

ignorant (because if we were smart we’d have the same opinions you do)

I’ve had a breakthrough lately. Yes, I still think there is a higher power. But I don’t think that higher power gives one shit whether people believe or not.

I was raised Catholic, so you all know what a departure this is for me. I was raised that you don’t ask God for anything unless it’s really important. And you give thanks constantly. “God, thanks for that green light” “God, thanks for making my split ends go away.”

I think God thinks its cool to be thanked, but in the end it doesn’t score points or anything. I don’t think God is that big of an EGOMANIAC that He/She demands constant adulation and attention.

If there is a God, do you think She cares if a person believes in Her/Him or not? I was raised to think that is the key to salvation. But my recent readings have made me realize:

True, pure love is love that is given whether OR NOT it is returned. I have had brief flickering moments where I was able to shed my selfishness and pettiness long enough to catch a glimpse of what it is like to love that way. If I can do it, I’m sure God can.

But the elitist attitudes have to stop. The atheists who condescend to those of us who have “fallen for the opiates of the masses” can take their judgment of me and shove it. If they let me be, then fine. But to be judged as a less intelligent person than them? Um, I don’t THINK SO. I’ll sit down across a table from them and take an IQ test; I guarantee they are no smarter than I am, so get off it.

Same goes for the self-righteous religious zealots who use God as an excuse to feel they are superior to others. I have a hunch that God would rather you not believe in Him/Her altogether, than have people go around using Him/Her as an excuse to look down on others, and commit wars, and take money from people and use it for selfish purposes. Those people can stick it up their asses too. I guarantee you, if God has a preference, He/She would prefer the company of atheists!

I’m just starting to realize that religion is meant to be a tool, not a salvation. Religion was probably meant to help people gather knowledge, to help them get through this difficult life. Now religion is big business, and in the end doesn’t help much, and often hurts.

My faith in “religion” is shaken. But my faith in a higher power that consists of pure love is as strong as ever. And I used to feel sorry for those who didn’t believe in God, and now I don’t. I no longer believe that they will “suffer” in the afterlife for not believing, or that they’re sinning for not believing. I’m not buying that crap any more. They’ll meet God in the afterlife and have a pleasant surprise. And I’ll probably need deprogramming when I get to the other side, to erase all the crap I’ve been fed about God being vengeful and conceited, so I can see the truth. Or it may be nothing like that at all. In the end, I don’t think God is going to give me “demerits” because I GUESSED WRONG.

But what is it with the “I’m smarter than you because I don’t believe” undercurrents? It’s not AS annoying as listening to a southern baptist rattle on about their own holiness and superiority, but it’s close. So chill!

This is a private site for my friends. You are welcome to invite your friends also. Mainly, it’s a place to muse, vent, rant, comment, lament, and reflect on the fact that we are cool people surrounded by idiots.