Yesterday, I was just told by the first man I’ve loved in six years, that he doesn’t want me in his life any more. It was the first time I opened my heart to any man for so long, and I managed to ruin things in record time. So I feel stupid, rejected, worthless, and broken-hearted about losing not only someone I was attracted to, but someone who I’d known for at least three years. And it’s all my fault.
If this had happened to me three months ago, I would have spent the evening drinking about 1000 calories worth of beer, and stuffing my face with fast food.
I didn’t do that last night. I took some medicine to make me drowsy and I cried myself to sleep, like most normal people do when they’ve had their heart broken.
I am lazy and I take the easy way out most of the time. I’m self-indulgent. I’m a food addict and I’ve been using alcohol as a life crutch since age 15. How in the hell did I not fall back into my old behavior?
I’ve had my slips the past three months, but they’ve been slips. I knew that, if I were to “slip” last night, it would go beyond a slip and it would be a tumble. I truly was on a precipice. I knew that times like last night are when addicts have relapses. Old diets, I didn’t recognize the fact I was a food addict. This time I do, and I knew what to look for. So I told myself, “No going to a liquor store or for take out food, not tonight.” I didn’t think, “Remember Mary you can never have this stuff again.” I just focused on the upcoming six hours, and what I wasn’t going to do.
Of course I’m still crying like a little bitch this morning. I have to drop Moose off at the groomers the next town over, and what I used to do after dropping him off is go to Le Peep for a big breakfast afterwards. I know I’m not going to do that. I don’t know where I’m finding this strength but I thank God I have it.
They say it takes 21 days to change a habit or make a new one. I always thought it was corny. Now I believe there is some truth to that (but I think it’s more like six weeks.)
I was emailing Angie about weight loss. I’ve had so many false starts, so many unsuccessful diets, have spent thousands of dollars trying this and that (Atkins, Metabolife, Weight Watchers, Medifast). What makes this time different? Why am I successful now?
I thought I was ready to start losing weight so many times in the past, but I had to reach a point in my life where I was not only ready to lose weight, but ready to let go of the unrealistic “I’ll lose 30 pounds in 4 weeks” images in my head, AND most importantly, I had to be ready to admit I was addicted to food and I’d have to make sure I had control over it every hour of every day from here on out. It’s the food addiction thing that is the key.
Honestly, I also have to wonder how much of my initial diet motivation came from the fear of surgery. I hate doctors and I blatantly fear surgery and medical procedures. I realized I was at a place where I might need gastric banding or bypass, and I do think a part of me was “scared straight”. 
The first month on Jenny Craig was difficult. I had been drinking at least 2-3 beers a day for the past five years. Beer and food were all I had in my life that brought me joy. The only time I felt content, and felt like I wasn’t alone, was when I was eating something or trying to get drunk. It was hard to give up, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought I could do it for long. I was also going to Starbucks once a day, and eating fast food or restaurant food twice a day. I couldn’t imagine I’d reach a place where I’d be able to “give up” fast food. I knew alcohol could be addictive, and food in general. But looking back, I think fast food has something about it that’s addictive all by itself.
After about six weeks the cravings for both food and alcohol lessened a lot. I had gotten phentermine from my doctor (but it’s also available online) and that helped me get through those first six weeks. Also, I told myself to just focus on the six weeks. If I thought of having to maintain this new behavior for a year, I’d get overwhelmed so I did just say to myself, “Mary, just focus on the next six weeks, just to prove you can do it.” I made it a competition with myself. By the time the six weeks was over, the hold those two things had on me was broken. Even I didn’t expect to escape the cravings of it, but I did! (I still want it sometimes, but it’s not this intense, irresistible pull. Now I know that I could eventually go eat at Chipotle or have some beer, and not have to have it every day after that. It can be an occasional treat.)
I still have phentermine around (I travel to Cincinnati for business in a week and I’ll take it that week, because eating in restaurants still causes me to overeat and I’ll have to eat in restaurants for a whole week, not just one meal.) I still drink once in a while (one to two beverages every three weeks, instead of 2-3 a day). But I don’t want to pull into a liquor store after a bad day, like I did in the beginning.
Also, focusing on goals in small increments is so important. To this day, thinking of all the weight I have left to lose is overwhelming. I try not to think about it. Instead, I’m trying to focus on goals in 5-pound increments (no more than 10 pounds at a time, for sure).
I’m not going to pressure myself, but I am going to make myself RESPONSIBLE. Pressure would be, “If you don’t lose 10 pounds a month every month, you’ve failed!” Responsible is, “It’s a realistic goal to lose five pounds in six weeks. If you go off the diet for one meal, it’s your responsibility to go right back on it by the next meal so you can meet this completely realistic goal.”
It’s a difficult time for me. I’m having certain health problems and I may need invasive tests and a biopsy - that scares me shitless. The man I love never wants to talk to me again, and work is overwhelmingly crazy. I’m so glad that I have something positive to focus on: my continued future success with my weight loss goals.
During a bad day, I am going to visualize what I’ll look like when I reach size 8. It will happen, in it’s own time. The comfort I used to get from food, I’m now finding through visualization of my success in finally conquering the hold that food has on me.
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