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Had a 5 min warmup, 30 min walk, 5 min cooldown. Seemed to walk faster today, with slightly less pain. Maybe it was good that I took Sat and Sun off from walking (though I think 2 days is too much). I was having a lot of pain last week (I walked 5 straight days last week). I thought I had fasciitis or needed special shoes. Maybe I was not being realistic about how out of shape I was.

Even now, I feel a big difference. My legs don’t hurt at all. I’ve been holding my stretches longer too, post workout. So that will help.

After the walk, ate 1 pkt of low fat string cheese (60 cal, 3 g fat). That brings total calories so far to 350. I’m not going to worry about fat grams today. You have to have a decent amount of fat to get your protein. Last week I was nauseated a lot, and I think that is because I’ve been relying on carbohydrates and cutting out too much protein and fat. So we’ll try it.

I’m getting ready to take 2 more metabolife. I’ll have soup later (2g fat, 110 cal, 3g protein). I’ll also have some protein bar before I leave work (1/2 bar = 110 cal and 3 g fat), which will put my total calories up to around 570. I’ll round up to 600. Which means I can have 300 calories for dinner and still be under 1000. So, yay for me.

Foodwise, let’s forget this weekend ever happened and start over.

This morning I had a slimfast shake. 220 calories. I’m about to have a yogurt snack. 70 calories. I probably have 10 calories of creamer in my coffee.

I kick ass. I’m going to do this. Maybe not by Sept 2, in time to “wow” everyone back in Wichita. But I’m not doing this for them. I’m doing this for me. I can wow them at Christmas.

Last week I had a “crisis of the soul”. I kind of gave up. I got a 6 pack. I drank a bottle of wine. Then of course, that lowers inhibitions and I ate more. I didn’t lose weight. It was hurting when I walked, I had 2 blisters. I got discouraged. I was a couch potato and didn’t get anything done this weekend, not even cleaning.

But you know what? I don’t care. I start again today. Because, I CAN DO THIS!

I saw on my PDA that on 1/25/02 I weighed 150. I probably was 180 the week before I started at Micromedex on July 8.

What a bunch of shit! 30 pounds in 6 months?

OK, then I will lose 30 pounds in 6 months! That is 1.3 pounds a week. I can do that. In fact, I think I can lose 2 pounds a week.

Maybe setting my goal at 3 pounds was setting myself up for failure. I didn’t put the weight ON that fast, and it’s much harder to take it off than it is to put it on. So I will revise my goals.

I don’t understand why humans are so repulsed when people get real.

I remember when I felt close to someone, when they confided in me or I confided in them, it felt so wonderful. There is nothing more reassuring than that feeling of someone being a kindred spirit, even if the connection is fleeting. What is it about “growing up” that makes us leave it behind?

If I date a guy and I’m not the happy, cheerleader/sorority girl at all times, they move on. Men marry women that are upbeat and have a perfect attitude all the time. The joke is on them because no one can keep up an act like that forever.

If you are real, if you think, if you’re open… it is nothing but a liability. A totally unmarketable commodity.

It makes for a lonely little universe.

Got up and felt like shit so I had 2 glasses of milk (200) and graham crackers (110). For breakfast I had a banana with about a tablespoon of peanut butter (probably about 200 calories? I have no idea).

OK, so for lunch yesterday I had a slimfast (220), and a yogurt snack (70). 1 bite of a protein bar (?80), 1/2 of a putridly nasty weight watchers snack (50). Got home and had salad (40) with chicken (120) and light dressing (I have no idea so I’ll say 150). But then I blew it by having 3 beers (the good kind, so probably 400 calories), for a grand total of around 1300 calories. I feel hella fat today. I gained 1.5 pounds overnight according to my digital scale.

Sigh.

Today I had 220 calories slimfast for breakfast. I got up at 1am and had graham crackers and milk, but I counted them in yesterday’s calories.