This is the third weekend in a row that I’ve blown off important projects due at work because I just can’t face it and I can’t concentrate. Ugh.

I still feel like I’ve been kicked like a dog, and it still makes me angry that someone got something over on me. I hate feeling like I’ve been used. Besides YoYoBoy, this week I finally realized that two of my friends have been using me all along as well. It just makes me sick.

My parents sent me some flowers at work on Friday, which they’ve never done. It was sweet, and the flowers had a bag of hershey’s kisses attached, 40 of them (one for each year). I thought that was my present but this weekend I got a $100 Amazon gift certificate from them too - a big surprise! They usually don’t make a big deal out of my birthday so that was sweet.

A group of nurses got together and got me a card that plays “superfreak” (awesome!) and a Starbucks card. That was so sweet! Passive-aggressive trainer (I think I’ll call her PAT from now on) that is trying to get me fired refused to say happy birthday even when she asked me why I got the flowers and I said it was my birthday Sunday. It cracked me up. I purposefully did nothing for her birthday but when she got flowers I pretended like it was because I forgot and I then said happy birthday. God we hate each other, I can’t WAIT to leave this job because of her.

My life is nothing the way I wanted it or envisioned it would be when I was younger and thinking ahead. The only thing that had me survive my childhood was the thought that someday I’d grow up and find someone to love, who would love me back. And of course I never found that. Still, despite the bad job and recent drama, overall my life is not bad. I just need some time off that’s all I think.

I don’t feel 40. I feel 22.

So I spent the night with YoYo boy twice, and he totally had me thinking that this was a new beginning, he might be ready for something more, and he was acting like he was totally into me. But something he said really stuck with me - he had mentioned when we first started communicating again that he had dabbled in Craigslist and Plenty of Fish when we were apart, but could never make himself that interested in it nor follow through on anything. But then he joked about it the other night, and it got me curious.

Now keep in mind it is the weekend, tomorrow is my 40th birthday and he didn’t make any plans with me even though he’s not getting his kids back until Sunday night. I thought that was fishy. Maybe his newfound appreciation of me still didn’t bring me up to the level of being worthy of his “weekend time” which really fucking insults me to think about.

So I went online and checked Plenty of Fish and found his profile right away. Yep, still active. Oh, and guess what? His last login was TODAY. He spent two nights with me in the past week, implied we might have a go at something more, he ignored me all day today (not even an email, and he owes me one from Friday), but yet he’s checking his Plenty of Fish profile.

In his profile he said he likes to go to comedy clubs (he knows I love to go but has never once in this past year taken me on a date ANYWHERE, yet here he is on Plenty of Fish proposing to strangers that they get together and go to comedy clubs.)

And his age is something different than he told me. He told me last September he was turning 33. This week he said in conversation he’s 36 and I said, “Why did you lie to me about your age?” and he denied doing that. Well, his username gives his birth year as 72 right in the username, and therefore his profile says he’s 35.

So I call him tonight because I was really upset. I tried to calm down a bit first. He said he was asleep and I don’t believe him. I asked him how old he is and he said 36 but then he started to act mad, and he only acts mad when he’s defensive (when I’ve called him on his shit). Then I asked him if he’s actively looking for someone else to date. He says no.

Then he pauses.

Then he says, “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.”

So I said, if you don’t want a relationship then why were you logged into your account on PofF just today, and why does your PofF account have your age at 35?

He stammered around and I just KNEW he was reaching in his brain to build up steam to get mad at ME and turn the tables. No way was I going to let him.

I just told him, “Wow, I feel REALLY stupid. Congratulations David, you got me again.” And I hung up and he is not calling me back.

I knew he’d end up fucking me over, I just didn’t know it would be after a week. I totally let myself be used, and yeah I said I knew it, but I lied. Especially after our night together the other night, I REALLY thought he was starting to fall in love with me.

It was all an act. He was just lonely and horny.

Oh my god I am so stupid. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by my best friend. Well shit, I have.

I. Am. So. Stupid.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

My coworker Scott brought his 5 month old baby duck Mushu by work the other day. Here’s me (I always look hung over even when I’m not drinking) trying to pet Mushu. He did NOT like it, so I didn’t bother him too much because you see… Mushu can’t walk.

His flippers are all curled up and he can’t waddle at all. So Scott’s wife tried treating him with antibiotics, thinking it was an infection. After a few days with no improvement, they took Mushu to the Duck Vet and it was found that Mushu needed some kind of ligament release surgery. Flipper surgery.

Most people would put down a duck rather than pay $300 for the surgery, although I think $300 for surgery is pretty cheap.

His surgery was Thursday and Scott said it was a success. Go Mushu!

I think Mushu should be an inspiration to us all. You’ve taught me so many things, little baby duck. Including, how to spell Mushu.

Full time job = shoot me in the head

Part time job = looking like it might be OK

YoYoBoy = fabulous

I have to say that YoYoBoy is really treating me pretty well so far. I’m really enjoying the time I spend with him. Still not going to get my hopes up that this is anything more than a bootie call he never wants his friends to find out about. But it feels like more.

Well, I saw YoYo Boy last night for the first time since November. Breaking every bylaw of my personal code, including “Don’t respond to drunk men waiting until half the night is gone before they invite you over,” and “Don’t sleep with any guy unless he feels the same way about you as you feel about him.”

It’s a 46 mile, 45 minute drive to his house so I got there about 9:30. He was even handsomer and more charming than I remember. So yeah, I think I’m in trouble.

I’ve always wished that I could be the type of person who was casual. I’m pretty casual about other aspects of my life (clothes, keeping up with household chores) but in relationships, I’m not. Since I hate people, if I find a guy that I can even remotely stand to be around for any length of time, that’s a HUGE deal for me. It usually means I’ll soon be in love with him. And when I’m in love with someone, I want it all, and I want it now. I have never been a booty call girl, date around girl, or anything like that. I’m either single, or I’m all in.

Because of how unhappy I am about my appearance due to my current weight, it was really difficult for me to go over there and let him see me like this. I wanted to see him, which overrode my sense of self-loathing I guess. If he minded my appearance he didn’t let it show, which I appreciate.

I do love him. Am I as wildly in love with him as I was last fall? No, and that comes from months of desperately trying to get him out of my system. I am pretty sure I could be again, if that would ever be wanted or welcomed by him. Which honestly, even though I know he’ll hint around that those feelings MAY be a possibility for him in the DISTANT FUTURE of I DON’T KNOW WHEN, I’m pretty sure deep down those feelings for me are never possible from him.

If a miracle happens and he ever did feel that way for me, I am still hurt and guarded, and I want to be, because this could very quickly turn into the exact same situation as last time. They say you should have an open heart in relationships, but with him I can’t afford to. The rejection I felt by him on an almost weekly basis the last time we were together nearly did me in, literally.

I have to keep reminding myself to protect myself at all costs and really keep my guard up.

I can’t want or expect anything from him, and most of all I have to keep reminding myself not to hope for anything at all.

Be casual, right?

Holy hell do I wish that was me.

So, what’s new besides the unbelievable stress at work. Hmmm…

I got my dad a FOUR POUND box of candy from the 1950s for Father’s Day. He didn’t like it. The people in his office liked it though.

Aaannndd I forgot to call YoYoBoy to tell him Happy Father’s Day. He didn’t seem to mind but I feel bad about it.

YoYoBoy is at full yo-yo. Ambiguous about what he wants, yet dropping little carrots to reel me back in. And it’s TOTALLY working. I’m so setting myself up for the biggest disappointment ever, but I still have feelings for him somewhere underneath all of this hurt. We still haven’t gone beyond a few phone calls and some heavy email that’s getting pretty personal (not in a sexual way). He hasn’t seen me since November and I’m afraid to see him because I’ve gained 15 pounds since the last time he saw me. I look absolutely horrible.

He hasn’t extended an official invite to see him anyway. And I wouldn’t have had time because of my job. So the next few weeks should be interesting on that front. Will we start things up again? Does he even want to? Do I even want to? Do I still love him? He never loved me so that’s not even a question on the table.

Enough about that.

Other than that, Moose and I have been walking every morning but one for the last six days. I can’t go far - he seems to be in slight discomfort when we walk too far. He slows down - is that discomfort? I’m hoping to build up his endurance.

This is my friend Steve, who I haven’t seen in many years, surprising his mom on Mother’s day. I’m guessing his brother filmed it, and James is his nephew.

He’s the type of person that just hearing his voice makes you homesick for him. I’ve been trying to talk him and his wife into moving to Colorado, but no luck so far. Enjoy his adorableness.